Sometimes just when you think you’ve got things figured out life rears its ugly head and decides it doesn’t like the idea of you doing so well. As a very introspective person, I thought I had a lot of, if not most of my inner demons figured out. All it took was one crazy happenstance to throw me for a loop and show me that I don’t have anything figured out. When you struggle with anxiety, and when I say struggle, I mean struggle to maintain sanity, it amplifies your insecurities and makes you fear and worry about things way more than you should. The ugly bastard that bit my leg and pulled me under this time was fear and feelings of inadequacy. When you have a very consistent track record of almost every person you let close enough to you that you become vulnerable hurting you, it’s only a matter of time before you start wondering if you’re the only common denominator. Between family members, friends, ex girlfriends, and even just romantic interests, I have been given the short of the stick more times than should be legal. Please don’t take this as a means to complain, but to potentially help those who don’t live anxiety on their shoulders understand better those who do. And for those of you who do live with it, maybe this will help you feel less alone. When something goes off course and doesn’t happen the way we expect and you feel that immediate sense of “Oh no, what if,” and your mind immediately goes to several worst case scenarios, that’s how anxiety works. It takes that little bit of worry or fear and cranks it to eleven and then asks you why you haven’t ordered a casket yet. This is in no way something I claim to have a hold on. This is one of my largest battles and flaws in life. Then of course there are those times where you finally talk yourself out of the fear and worry but then of course one of those worst case scenarios happens and then you get knocked back several steps. You start to wonder how you’re ever going to be able to talk yourself out of anything like that again. You start to wonder if you should even try. Is the fear of the possibility worse than the let down after hope gained? Anxiety is a cruel and heartless beast. It has no mercy and no sympathy for its victims. I never understood why people self-medicated before anxiety hit me as hard as it has. To all those who deal with this as well, I can’t tell you it for sure gets better, I can’t tell you that I can help, I can’t even tell you I know how to make it any better at all, but I can say that you’re not alone. What I can suggest is to find someone else who knows anxiety personally and talk to them about it. Trying to explain the effects of anxiety to anyone who hasn’t experienced it is like trying to describe colors to a color blind person. You can be as descriptive as you want, but some things can’t be understood without experience. Stay strong my friends. Don’t let it get the best of you and never let it keep you down. Always stand up in defiance.
What do you hold onto? What gets you through the day? When other things fail and people break promises, lie, and let you down, what do you count on? This past year has been the darkest of my adult life and despite so many terrible things happening around me, every time I try accept what is happening and find hope, more things go wrong, break down, fail, betray, lose. I have reached the point where hope feels not only naive, but foolish. My potential college majors and careers laid out in front of me all feel wrong. My home town feels foreign, and everywhere I look to move feels questionable. What is one left to hold onto at the end of the day? When the dark has overcome the light? When No potential options feel right and where you are feels wrong, where does one go? This is not a social commentary with a decisive point and direction at the end my friends. This is an admittance of defeat. This is a point of starting over and letting go of everything I once thought I knew. Caring less and living more. Focusing on being rather than planning. Life isn’t what I thought it was and now I’m forced to adapt.
The cruelest irony of all is that of the love story. The bitter truth is that the people we love the most, have the most potential to hurt us. The people that we give the most to, have the most to take from us. This is a constant and dangerous game we play in our lives. How can one truly love without being vulnerable? Yet, how can one truly love and use that vulnerability against someone? It is my humblest opinion that if one does in fact truly love another, they not only won’t, but can’t use those gifts given to them against their intended. If they at any point do, did they truly love? Were they mistaken? Was it infatuation? What causes the heart to become selfish to a level that it disregards the mental and emotional well being of someone close to it? People can sling blame and point the finger at past experiences, personal shortcomings, or a slew of other excuses but when it comes down to it, it is simply the lack of love that allows or causes pain in another. Many are not self-aware enough to even realize this but the ones who are have a responsibility to not let it happen. The most tragic part of this story is that more often than not it’s the ones who have been hurt the most who perpetuate the pain. They know the pain yet don’t take the required action or responsibility to end the cycle. This is one of the most tragic cycles of the human condition I’ve ever experienced. To the ones who have been hurt and made a decision to end the cycle I salute you. You, my friends are the lights of a world covered in shadow. This story is yet another that though I understand it, I’ll never truly comprehend it. I’m glad I don’t however, because if I found a way to understand it fully I feel like I would have to had justified it in my head. I am in no way advising that anyone should stop getting close to people or allowing themselves to love, but I urge you to be careful, as hard as that may be. I myself I’ve fallen prey to the swift fall into someone’s arms and I, better than most, understand how difficult it can be to take a step back and think when someone offers open arms and a kind heart. Learn from mine and your own experiences, though hard as it may be. Life is a series of ups and downs and then you die. The most important part of life is to make sure that no matter how much you love anyone, you make sure that your happiness is based in yourself. Once you’ve done that no one can ever take it from you. Understand the difference between happiness as a reaction to circumstances and happiness as a state of being. No matter how much anyone can offer, you have to make sure you they do not hold the key to the door that is your happiness. The happiest married couple I know once told me that as much as they loved each other and enjoyed being a part of each other’s lives, if something happened and they found themselves apart or alone, that life would go on. Tough as it may be, life would go on and they would find happiness not in another, but within themselves again. That, I believe, is one of the reasons they are the most happy, successful, and wonderfully married couple I have ever met. They know this one key element that so few others seem to. So to conclude my rant, I urge you to seek out the parts of yourself and things in life that make you happy and surround yourself mentally and physically with them.
A sarcastic doctor on a no longer airing television show once said “Everybody lies.” There are even college courses on this very philosophy. Why though? Why do we lie? For convenience? Greed? Fear? Do we lie because we are taught to or would that even matter? Would we just observe how the liar gets away with the injustice scot free? Would we constantly work out the pros and cons in our heads? The cost of getting caught versus value of getting away with it. Is that all it comes down to for us? People, as a whole, are lying, thieving, manipulating, greedy little bastards. People say that in everyone theres is good. Well then people must put an awful lot of effort into hiding that good. The facts are that if people can’t handle the weight of telling the truth in the small, minuscule times that it hardly effects anyone, why should they be trusted with anything more? The bottom line that all lies can be tracked back to is selfishness. Selfishness is an epidemic in society and they lengths that people will go and the effort they will put forth simply to get what they want is mind boggling. They will do so at seemingly no care or consideration to the effects their actions, words, or lack of either have on other people. There are good people, and there are bad people. The bad far outnumber the good. The saddest reason for this is that it’s simply easier to be a bad person than it is not to. To be a good person is to accept responsibility for one’s thoughts and actions. This is not a popular way of life currently. In fact most people are willing to put incredible amounts of effort into avoiding responsibility of any sort. Everybody may lie, but remember this one last beautiful and satisfying thought, everybody also gets caught.
What is this thing called fear? By definition; An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. So fear is not the evidence of anything, it is the belief or expectancy of it. And if fear is the negative what is the positive? I mean, for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction right? Well, if faith is the opposite of fear, fear being the negative and faith being the positive, they are the rulers of our lives. One of the two governs us with an iron fist. It influences our decisions, sometimes even making them for us all together. Unfortunately, sometimes people are overcome by the negative. They allow it to control who they are. Simply put if someone is not living a lifestyle of faith, they ARE living in fear. Faith is believing the positive and fear is believing the negative. The power of our mouths is infinite. Should anyone truly come to the realization of this and the world would change drastically in a matter of months. If we speak the positive into existence then we have the same effect on the negative. People obsess over their fears, because it’s easier than holding onto their hopes. People worry and worry about sicknesses and accidents and then they begin to cause themselves to believe that these things WILL or ARE happening. But the same effect can be applied to the positive. The steps to this freedom are first thinking something, then speaking it, then knowing it, then living. See I believe that the reason our tongues are so powerful, is because they can trick our mind. They can make us believe anything, it just has to be convincing enough. Ever know anyone who was absolutely terrified of becoming a certain way or doing something wrong? What ended up happening? In most cases it’s the unfortunate truth that they epitomize their fear. With that in mind wouldn’t it be nice to be able to epitomize your hopes, beliefs and dreams? What is the limit? What are we capable of? Well, in my opinion, the sky is the limit. I sincerely pity the people who live their lives in fear. Fear of what COULD happen, what MIGHT hurt them, fear of the unknown. Are they even truly living? Is it worth the caution? Is it worth the pain? I mean wouldn’t that be so incredibly limiting? What opportunities would be missed by fear of what they could be? Why would anyone ever want to live this way? It doesn’t make logical sense, right? Of course not! But in the society that we live in people often leave any logic they once clung to in the dark. They start operating out of emotions and feelings rather than logic and common sense. And wasn’t fear an emotion? Faith is a decision, fear is an emotion. What a revelation! That we can live by our own choices on what to believe rather than our fleeting emotions? I promise you that if presented to the highest educated psychologist, it would be almost comical. People live in fear because it’s easier! Yes, if you are not enraged by that then you need more air supply. People seem to do everything these days simply out of ease. It’s an apathetic mindset that is very self-destructive. It eases the chance of actually having repercussions for one’s actions. No one wants to be accountable these days it seems. But what is faith if not the accountability that forces us to take our thoughts captive and actually work at getting places in life, progressing, and bettering ourselves. People have to start manning up and becoming “old fashioned” as our forefathers were, or so little will be accomplished. What a glorious day when people gain this knowledge and actually apply it, but what a dark time until then. So what is this thing called fear? Well, if you ask me, it’s an excuse. What do you think?
Why can’t I sleep at night? Is it because I can’t stop thinking about the terrible injustices being committed each day, you know by society? Or was it one the ones by our government? President? Is it because I know there is so much that happens within the confines of things that are important to me(politics, government, the world in general), that I’ll never know about because the media is paid not to tell me? Is it because I know that these days no matter how smart or capable you are you technically aren’t unless you have papers that say you are? Is it because companies lie to their employees? Is it because seemingly no one is guaranteed anything these days? Yes, I am an analytical over-thinker, but it’s difficult not to be these days. With so much self-seeking in society out there, what is one to do? People have found socially acceptable was to be anti-social. In an age of myspace, facebook, and twitter, isn’t that what we’ve become? With all that in mind all these injustices are starting to make sense. Society is slowly but surely raising a monster and making sure it’s very well fed. The best part is that though this monster is still growing, its mother is already trying to call it a monster. Why, because it’s in the best interest of the mother. By calling it what it is, she can divert the attention of those incapable of objective thought to focus on the issue rather than the cause, but only monsters can give birth to monsters. She’s smart, cunning and well off. She’s a foe to be reckoned with. But I must fight, you must fight. Though, this is not a war that can be fueled with anger and executed with extreme action. This is a war that needs to be fought with facts not ignorance. Carefully thought out and meticulously executed movements wherein she won’t even see it coming. Facts are her worst enemy, why? Because facts kill lies and deceit and that’s exactly what she is. Your part in this war is up to you, but sit back and you will be taken by force, play the victim and you will become the victim, take action using logic, common sense and facts and you will do your part as a key player. I say this not because I want more sleep, but because I care. I care about you, I care about myself, and I care about our children and our children’s children. I simply ask that you not become complacent or ignorant to the world around you. Be an individual, not a sheep. Push forward and don’t look back. Hold yourself and others accountable but most of all sleep well.